In Coffee Spoons

When I was sixteen, I fell in love with a girl in my church youth group named Alice. She was blonde and butch and beautiful with spiky hair and henna tattoos. I could not tell her how I felt.

Left unsupervised one night, our group played spin the bottle. When the bottle pointed from her to me, we kissed.

And kissed.

And kissed.

And kissed.

She borrowed my jacket the next day, and when she returned it it had a love poem in it. The kind of terrible gushing love poem you write in high school. I still have it, along with her senior photo.

Alice, I have no idea where you are now. We drifted in high school, especially when you moved. But in the desperately passionate and emotionally clumsy way a sixteen year old does, I loved you.

NO REALLY I'MMA DO THIS MEME

My name is Megan.

I’m 26 and have so far amassed one piercing, one tattoo, one major scar, a dozen minor scars and a bad knee.

I have spent the majority of my life dealing with depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I am on medication which keeps me from bursting into tears over musicals or endlessly straightening spoons. Most of the time.

I live in Nine Mile Falls, WA, which is like Spokane, WA but prettier in the summer and horribler in the winter.

I am in a poly relationship with two fabulous women, Ari & Smeg, who will be getting married next October. I am the only bridesmaid who is also invited to the honeymoon.

We live with Ari’s 12 year old daughter TGC (The Girl Child), one and a half dogs, four cats, two dead houseplants, and one alive houseplant.

I am unemployed. I am trained as a medical records clerk, but if you would like me to make espressos or sell sweaters or mop floors, I am totally down for that. Eventually I will make enough money to own a bookstore. It will be a cool one.

I write.

I am mad about books and film and music and art and tea and horror and sci-fi and fantasy and steampunk. I cook and bake and sew and cross-stitch and make crafty type things. I read about philosophy and history and science and psychology and serial killers. I watch really bad TV.

I am a serious, card-carrying geek. The card is a Star Wars trading card. No seriously it’s in my wallet.

I love bunny rabbits.

I’m awesome.

Doing this to get myself posting and writing again...hopefully...

Day 01 - Introduce Yourself
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – Your music
Day 05 – Your pets
Day 06 – Your hobbies
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A precious item
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – Your mode of transportation
Day 14 – Where you live
Day 15 – Your childhood
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – Your morning routine
Day 21 – Your job and/or schooling
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – Your sleeping habits
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your favorite foods/drinks
Day 30 – Your aspirations

Meme stolen from Nicki:


When you see this, post an excerpt from as many random works-in-progress as you can find lying around. Who knows? Maybe inspiration will burst forth and do something, um, inspiration-y.


These are scraps from my daily freewrites. I write without stopping, censoring or thinking for five minutes in the morning Sunday through Friday, then take Saturday to sift through for usable material that can be lengthened and edited. A few of these bits I am actually beginning to work together into a story.

Disturbing imagery under cut. Steal and I gon cut you an you gon wish I no cut you.

( Scraps & Snippets )

This is my mornings, people.

Give me the strongest cheese, the one that stinks best;
and I want the good wine, the swirl in crystal
surrendering the bruised scent of blackberries,
or cherries, the rich spurt in the back
of the throat, the holding it there before swallowing.
Give me the lover who yanks open the door
of his house and presses me to the wall
in the dim hallway, and keeps me there until I'm drenched
and shaking, whose kisses arrive by the boatload
and begin their delicious diaspora
through the cities and small towns of my body.
To hell with the saints, with martyrs
of my childhood meant to instruct me
in the power of endurance and faith,
to hell with the next world and its pallid angels
swooning and sighing like Victorian girls.
I want this world. I want to walk into
the ocean and feel it trying to drag me along
like I'm nothing but a broken bit of scratched glass,
and I want to resist it. I want to go
staggering and flailing my way
through the bars and back rooms,
through the gleaming hotels and weedy
lots of abandoned sunflowers and the parks
where dogs are let off their leashes
in spite of the signs, where they sniff each
other and roll together in the grass, I want to
lie down somewhere and suffer for love until
it nearly kills me, and then I want to get up again
and put on that little black dress and wait
for you, yes you, to come over here
and get down on your knees and tell me
just how fucking good I look

(Kim Addonzio)

Neeeeeewwwwww kiiiiitteeeeeennnnnssssss



Cal is mine, named after two fantasy novels/series-- Clive Barker's Weaveworld and Storm Constantine's Wraeththu. I got him from S.C.R.A.P.S. Rescue, where he was in a small cage with no open play area and not a happy kitty. I got him the day he was brought in, though, so he only had to spend a few hours there. We think he's about 9 or 10 weeks old, very healthy and playful. So far he has demonstrated a fondness for halibut, coconut cake frosting, feather toys, and high places to perch and gaze smugly down upon his kingdom.



Zeus is Ari's. She picked him up at the Spokane Humane Society and he immediately curled up on her chest to play with her hair/earrings/nose. She went back to see him two more times before going "You little fucker, you're going to make me adopt you, huh?" Yup.

Me: So have you decided between the names Zeus and Pell yet?

Kitten: *shits all over car and yowls*

Ari: Zeus, apparently.

We initially thought he was 6 weeks, but we're now thinking 5 weeks as he seems newly weaned and not too cool with how running/jumping/playing works yet. He needs to go to the vet to check out some sneezes and thirstiness but is in pretty good health. He is fascinated with laptop keyboards and has been sending everyone on my AIM/FB strange messages, and is also super snuggly. Ari's boobs are totally his territory now.



They took to each other right away and are best friends.

Getting to know the other animals went pretty well-- Emma's maternal towards them but hides when they get too playful, Angel did some hissing and growling but now just ignores them, Shadow seems oblivious to their existence, and Leeloo wants very much to play with them. The kittens want to play with her, too, but I don't think any of them have figured out *how* yet. And Leeloo also seems to transform them in her mind from friends to fetch toys if they're picked up by humans, so we're working on that.

More pics

Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 25, no skipping, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: For those who are guessing -- looking the lyrics up on a search engine is CHEATING!
Step 5: If you like the game post your own

Rather than leave guesses to who reads this journal first, I'm going to screen comments for a couple days so everyone who guesses right can get credit. You're welcome.

1. _ ____ ____ that tonight’s gonna be a good night

2. Ground control to Major Tom, ground control to Major Tom

3. Breaking my back just to know your name

4. My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop

5. Washed my face in the rivers of empire

6. All right stop, collaborate and listen

7. Say your name, try to speak as clearly as you can

8. Lying awake in my hospital room

9. ___ ___ __ died today, born on the 21st of May

10. I'm lookin' for ____, across cloudy sky

11. My past, my future, my disease

12. I should warn you I go to sleep

13. The mongrel cat came home holding half a head

14. Last night he could not make it

15. Come over, baby drive me crazy, keep me up all night

16. You know I cannot stand your love for alcohol

17. Flip on a switch and everything's fine

18. Hey Gloria, are you standing close to the edge

19. Everything inside of me is burning up for you to see

20. I'm so sorry, please forgive me

21. ____, thought I knew you well

22. Let's have some fun, this beat is sick

23. In the afterlife, you could be headed for the serious strife

24. Baby, remember on the bus and my hand was on your knee

25. After all these implements and text designed by intellects

My packing system makes perfect sense to me.





















Settling into my new room, new house, new town, new life etc etc very well.

Me: *unpacking DVDs*

Mara: Ooh, can I watch this one?

Me: We'll have to talk to your mom about that. It's got some scary parts in it.

Mara: Yeah, but I don't scare easy. I watch lots of scary movies.

Me: What was the last scary movie you watched?

Mara: Avatar.

Me: Yeah, you're not watching Serial Experiments Lain.

Have moved.

Am in Spokane.

Many boxes to unpack and travel tales to tell.

But not right now.

Went to see the specialist in TC (need to get pics up from the rest of this trip, which was considerably more fun than the doctor's appointment). The specialist looked over my test results, looked over the fact that I went to Mercy Grayling, rolled his eyes, and apologized for non-specialist ER docs getting me all worried over nothing.

I have a focal nodular hyperplasia. TL;DR: Common, totally benign tumor that's probably been there forever.

He said that to a non-specialist, like an ER doc, the mass on the ultrasound/CT scans can look vague, but to a gastroenterologist there are markings that distinguish it pretty easily, and he pointed them out to me. He said that they should have sent me for a consultation and not a biopsy, and that if it had been a hemangioma like they thought, said biopsy could have resulted in internal bleeding. Awesome, Grayling Mercy! Thank you!

Soooo went in on Tuesday for an MRI to confirm, which was not fun. I got a huge IV in my arm and tried to lie still for 40 minutes while the machine went PING PING BRMM BRMM BANG BANG etc right in my ears and techs told me to lie more stiller. The doctor said that this should be it, except for maybe an ultrasound in six or seven months to make sure the thing isn't growing.

Glad that is over. Now I can get back to freaking out about other things, like the move to Spokane which is NEXT WEEK WHAT THE FUCK.

Had an epic case of food poisoning on Independence Day. At the parade, actually, which is partly why I say epic. Too shaky to get up and walk to the car and taken out of the ice cream shop via ambulance would be another part of it.

They pumped me full of anti-nausea drugs and IV fluids and I felt better after an hour or two, but they kept me from 4:30 to about midnight running tests and asking me if I was pregnant. To which I kept responding that if my girlfriends have managed to knock me up, I'll be glad for the cash selling my story to the Discovery Health Channel.

RN: Are you pregnant?

Me: Nope.

RN: What method of birth control are you using?

Me: Lesbianism.

RN: There's...not a check box for that under "methods of birth control." I'm not sure how to chart this.

Me: *lulzyark*

The CT scan they ran (by the way high-contrast dye makes you feel weirdly tingly-hot all over) showed a small mass on my liver. After my initial freakout, the doctor showed up and explained this to me. He said he's seen it many times before, and it's actually pretty common-- a liver hemangioma. You know those strawberry birthmarks some people have? Same thing. 70% of people get them on their face/neck, and the rest get them on their liver for some reason. I've probably had it since I was born and just never had a CT scan before.

Me: You really think that's what this is?

Doctor: Well, there's a chance it could be a nodule, which is also benign.

Me: It's not cancer?

Doctor: That's a long-shot.

Me: I'm not dying?

Doctor: You're not dying.

Me: I am going to trust this statement because you are a humongous black man with dreadlocks.

So I'm scheduled to see a specialist on Wednesday, get checked out more thoroughly and get a biopsy to confirm it's benign. I am really, really not worried about this and I apologize to anyone-- especially Ari-- who spends time worrying because of this information. Ashley and Erin and I got a hotel room for the night before the appointment, we're going to just make a shopping/possibly casino trip out of it so there. Nyah.

P.S. Had to argue my GP into scheduling a specialist/biopsy when I followed up post-ER with him. He thought it was too drastic. He thinks any procedure that doesn't involve a severed limb spurting blood is too drastic. So glad I'm moving.

P.P.S. The more in-depth you need to go detailing your bowel movements, the hotter the RN will be. Dear God.

P.P.P.S. Really honey I am okay, do not worry.

Me: MOM. MOM. MOM. MOM.

Mom: What?

Me: READ MY PALM. *shows palm with lines all traced in pen*

Mom: It says you have too much free time.

Me: MOM. MOM. MOM. MOM.

Mom: What?

Me: READ MY OTHER PALM. *shows palm with DEATH written on it in pen*

Mom: I have failed as a mother.

[22:03] Seiran: I'm sorry, do I know you from somewhere?
[22:04] James: not sure but you were on my contact list.
[22:05] James: you are on my msn messenger list of contacts so we must have crossed paths at some point
[22:05] Seiran: Could be.

After eliminating colleges and most social networking sites we could know each other from, the talk turned to film. James writes screenplays!

[22:12] Seiran: What kind of film?
[22:13] James: my first one i done is a horror movie called Evils Revenge which is about a group of zombies who can interact with their surrondings who are out to exact revenge on those who are responsible for their deaths
[22:13] Seiran: Don't most zombies interact with their surroundings? I mean, especially the surroundings that contain brain matter?
[22:14] James: what i mean is they can morph into the surronding areas just like in Terminator 2 and their weapons are morphed out of thier hands due to a genetic experiment gone wrong
[22:14] Seiran: Um, wow.

[22:31] Seiran: Which filmmakers do you admire?
[22:31] James: James Cameron for one. I love he went out of his at Titanic to make it look as real as possible.
[22:32] Seiran: Putting a movie in an extremely realistic setting really doesn't help unless the movie is also good.

He outlines a WWII movie he is also working on!

[22:34] James: in the end of the movie i want the camera to pan over the bodies of the fallen soldiers and have pictures of them come alive to remind people of it so that it is not forgotten.
[22:35] Seiran: ...are you trolling me?

While on the subject of war, James enlightens me as to some important truths!

[22:47] James: the manchurian candidate which came out in 1962 is based on government experiments as well where a guy recieves a coded message over the radio and kills the president
[22:49] James: what is scary is that the same events portrayed in the movie happened on June 4th 1968 in Los Angeles California
[22:50] Seiran: What?
[22:51] James: the idea that a mind can be controlled with a message happened when Sirhan Sirhan killed bobby Kennedy in 1968 at the Ambassador Hotel in LA
[22:51] Seiran: ...you're kidding.
[22:52] James: nope. there is evidence to suggest that sirhan received a phone call where he heard the suggested phrase and thus was in a hypnotic state when he shot bobby kennedy.
[22:53] Seiran: Well, that clinches that I don't know you from anywhere.
[22:55] Seiran: You're either a rube or a lunatic, and either way I would have remembered meeting you. I would have *blogged* meeting you.

[20:06] Ari: guess who got a new mattress?
[20:07] Seiran: Dennis Hopper?

[21:37] Ari: speaking of birthdays!
[21:37] Ari: someone has one coming up
[21:37] Seiran: Dennis Hopper?

[18:52] Seiran: Well, a fear of Dennis Hopper was not an unnatural thing.
[18:52] Ashley: At first I thought it said that Gary Oldman had died and I was much more upset.
[18:52] Seiran: Wha...how...right. Right, the Siamese twins, Dennis and Gary.
[18:53] Seiran: Oh my GOD we must get to my Frankenstein lab IMMEDIATELY to implement this plan.

[20:04] Seiran: *fixes up Porter City characters for revamped Porter City*
[20:04] Ashley: Revamped? Is that a pun?
[20:04] Seiran: ...an unintentional one.

[20:29] Ashley: Why must 75% of blonde curly girl pictures be porn or Taylor Swift?
[20:29] Seiran: Because the earth needs to be razed and rebuilt.

[21:09] Seiran: Hey, I'd say a good 80% of the delicious things in the world, we don't want to know what makes it good.
[21:10] Nicki: There's a joke about Mary in there somewhere, but I think I might pass on it.
[21:10] Seiran: Are you within hitting distance?
[21:10] Nicki: yeah, but she has her headphones on, playing her DS.
[21:10] Nicki: I'm gonna go for it.
[21:11] Nicki: are you ready?
[21:11] Seiran: I'm ready.
[21:11] Nicki: LIKE MARY.
[21:11] Nicki: OH SNAP
[21:11] Nicki: I'MA TELL

[21:13] Seiran: My friend Annie says that if we weren't meant to eat frosting straight out of the tub, it wouldn't come in tubs.
[21:14] Nicki: All of the best foods come in tubs! Ice cream. Pudding. ....margarine.

I see you sneaking up on me, July.

I see you.

The rainbow cake game, I mean.





My guh, it knows no bounds. The painstaking care these shades had to be mixed with. The testing to avoid darkened shades after baking. The perfect arrangement. Guh.

(I am making the less-daunting/still-awesome regular rainbow cake and a rainbow of Skittles vodka for my birthday. Gonna be good.)

Basically this is the best picture ever and I am going to keep spamming it everywhere for the rest of time.

Exhausted.

Exhausted all weekend long.

Bleah.

Unrelated:
[20:51] Ashley: But they ate three week old cake.
[20:51] Seiran: You're asking the wrong person to be shocked or even mildly disapproving about this.

Black A, White E, Red I, Green U, Blue O: vowels.
Someday I'll explain your burgeoning births:
A, a corset; black and hairy, buzzing with flies
Bumbling like bees around a merciless stench,

And shadowy gulfs; E, white vapors and tents, proud
Glacial peaks, white kings, shivering Queen Anne's lace;
I, purples, bloody spittle, lips' lovely laughter
In anger or drunken contrition;

U, cycles, divine vibrations of viridian seas,
Peace of pastures sown with beasts, wrinkles
Stamped on studious brows as if by alchemy;

O, that last Trumpet, overflowing with strange discord;
Silences bridged by Worlds and Angels:
--O the Omega, the violet beams from His Eyes!

--

A noir, E blanc, I rouge, U vert, O bleu: voyelles,
Je dirai quelque jour vos naissances latentes:
A, noir corset velu des mouches éclatantes
Qui bombinent autour des puanteurs cruelles;

Golfes d'ombre; E, candeurs des vapeurs et des tentes,
Lances des glaciers fiers, rois blancs, frissons d'ombelles;
I, pourpres, sang craché, rire des lèvres belles
Dans la colère ou les ivresses pénitentes;

U, cycles, vibrements divins des mers virides,
Paix des pâtis semés d'animaux, paix des rides
Que l'alchimie imprime aux grands fronts studieux;

O, suprême Clairon plein des strideurs étranges,
Silence traversés des Mondes et des Anges:

--O l'Oméga, rayon violet de Ses Yeux!

(Arthur Rimbaud-- Wyatt Manson translation)