InsaneJournal

Current mood:	smart
Current music:	"Big In Japan", Tom Waits
Entry tags:	booze, dandy, random, school, silliness

A gentleman and a scholar? NAY, SIR.
Assignment: Write a letter to your instructor in which a friend or someone you know well introduces you. This sample will help us ensure that you have been placed properly in English.



To Whom It May Concern,

This is a letter of introduction for Megan Denley-Scott; no doubt she selected me to pen this missive in the hopes that I would laud her talents and abilities regarding command of the English language, or perhaps her personal character. I intend to do neither.

For the sad truth of the matter is, Ms. Denley-Scott is a lout and a drunkard. Heaven only knows what madness drives her to the devil’s drink, but as the foul brew passes her lips it leaves behind a coating of pure venom on her wretched tongue. Many a time have I attempted to begin an idle evening’s conversation at our supper club, and been met with the most foul and abusive rejoinders one can imagine in return.

The thick slur of her speech is not, unfortunately, a hindrance to this end. From only a few coherent words in a string of gibberish, one may infer the most nefarious of meanings; the intention of “dunderheaded pigeonbrained gibbetmind” is quite clear, even if the surrounding phrases are “Gnnaaaaaah” and “Nnnngluh.” I do not know if she will transcribe such phrases to her English assignments, or if her handwriting will simply be an incomprehensible scrawl stained with inkblots and rotgut spirits.

Equally unpleasant is Ms. Denley-Scott’s tendency towards sobriquets. It is not with fondness or camaraderie that she refers to myself as “Nancy Dandypants”, “Dandy Nancypants”, or “Arseface McGee”. Rest assured that such nicknames will find their way towards you and the poor others in your classroom. Furthermore, their interchangeable nature will make it difficult to discern to whom she is directing her remarks. This is owing to the brief attention span her drunkenness allows, and please be forewarned that the same will lead to other errors such as repeating the word “bugger” twenty times in a sentence or hitting you over the head with a bottle when she has hit you over the head with a bottle just moments before. (Indeed I should be remiss not to make final note that head trauma is not a possibility but a certainty in your everyday dealings with her.)

With these considerations in mind do I leave you, wishing you the best of luck and God’s patience in dealing with the most detestable member of the Boar’s Head Supper Club.

Regards,

Frances Fitzwilliam III, Esq.