In Coffee Spoons

There are a lot of people coming to Christian Bale's defense regarding his on-set rant, and I agree with them completely. There's a lot of talk regarding the pressures of acting and method acting in particular, the power of an emotional scene, the amount that he actually said versus the amount that his character said, etc. Pretty much every theatre person I've talked to has agreed that the DP was at fault.

But no one seems to be touching on the most important reason why this rant is defensible:

It was hot as all hell. Holy fuck. Hot as hell.


[01:46] Seiran79: I don't think I would mind being assaulted by Christian Bale. I mean, assuming he didn't go for my throat.
[01:47] Shinaichica: Assuming he didn't go for the throat I would imagine it would be somewhat pleasurable.
[01:48] Seiran79: It's so nice when my friends agree with me instead of suggesting I seek professional help.

Check out Erin's journal first for her very, very short and very, very perfect review of the Burton adaptation.

If you'd like to learn more, or just have an appetite for incoherently expressed anger and excessive profanity, by all means read on.

Okay, I did enjoy some parts of this movie. Burton continues to rock his gothic mis-en-scene to good effect. Sacha Baron Cohen was a bit of really inspired lunatic casting. Singing ability aside, Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter were great together and great with their characters. If they could sing, they'd have been perfect choices. Ditto Alan Rickman.

If they could sing. I basically could have forgiven this movie almost all of its sins if anyone in it could sing.

Burton, we all know you and Johnny Depp are BFF. Totally BFF. But one of the lessons in Directing 101 is "Your friend needs more qualifications for the part than being your friend".

This also relates to the very first lesson of Directing Musicals 101: "Musicals have music in them. Your cast should be able to sing the music that makes it a musical".

Johnny Depp would be great for his role, except that he cannot fucking sing. He sounds like he has something unpleasant and possibly alive caught in his throat.

Helena Bonham Carter would be great for her role, except that she cannot fucking sing. Her performance is basically a cracked, strangled series of failed high notes.

Alan Rickman would be great for his role, except that he cannot fucking sing. (He does manage the best of anyone despite this, since Judge Turpin has a very narrow range of notes.)

Congratulations on your wonderful cast that can't fucking sing!

Anthony Stewart Head, who has a gorgeous voice, has a one-line spoken cameo, and the best vocal performance comes from a small boy playing a role intended for an adult man. That's fantastic.

That is my main complaint and the one that really kills this movie. I am now going under a cut with my other various complaints, mostly pertaining to the theatre-to-film slaughter. Expecting one, maybe two people to bother reading it, either out of a similar film/theatre obsession or a similar terminal amount of free time.

( A funland of vitriol and spoilers! )

If you haven't seen the movie yet, please do yourself the favor of listening to a Broadway version at some point. The 2005 revival is a great one.