In Coffee Spoons

For whatever reason, I can't find a video of this on YouTube with embedding enabled. WTF?

Anyway.

Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent

Besides the jaw-drop of the performance itself, the before-and-after reactions are so damn delightful.

Holly came over for a couple of days. It is really ridiculous how close we live to each other versus how often we see each other.

We drank a good amount of gin and a good amount of pomegranate vodka and did a couple cement mixers. This makes the second time I have voluntarily done a cement mixer, and I believe the third time for Holly. We are unique and stupid snowflakes.

We watched Repo! and Newsies. Holly hadn't seen Newsies before, but had the appropriate reaction: "My god, those two are totally in love with each other. How did Disney get away with this?"

Aaaand we had ourselves a little art project. We've both been mediating between friends lately, and dealing with passive-aggressive people. Thus did we hit on two important points:

1. One of the reasons we are friends is because we're both okay saying and/or hearing "You're being fucking ridiculous, and you need to cut this shit out."

2. If we ever do end up fighting, we need to be properly prepared to deal with it.

And that is how we ended up spending an afternoon making anger management sock puppets.





( crafternoon. )

And a good time was had by all. Except the puppets.

Me: Question one. The percutaneous transluminal--

Christian Bale: WALKING AROUND LIKE AH DAT DA DA DA DA

Me: Shhh, Mr. Bale, I'm taking a test. The percutaneous translu--

Christian Bale: OOOOOH GOOOOOOOD

Me: Not now, Mr. Bale! I am taking a test!

Christian Bale: DO YOU WANT ME TO GO TRASH YOUR FUCKING LIGHTS?

Me: Shut up!

Christian Bale: SHUT UP FOR A FUCKING SECOND ALREADY!

Me: CHRISTIAN BALE YOU STOP THIS RIGHT NOW I AM TAKING A FUCKING TEST.

Christian Bale: ...

Me: ...

Christian Bale: ...

Me: The percutaneous trans--

Christian Bale: SANTA FEEEEEEEEEEE

Me: *headdesk*



P.S. Passed the test.

"I think the most romantic song in MT would have to be 'As Long as He Needs Me' from Oliver. It is simply splendiferous!! Whenever someone gives me those little butterflies in my stomach, I usually sing this song ..."
--Matthew Morrison

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

Human: Hello, Dante.

Dante: Fix the grapefruits are multiplying and I am not a very cool at all, my dear friend, named after a while. However, psychologists have found that attractive people tend to be a poor moon, especially if it was a well known classical pianist.

Human: Well, you're still broken.

Dante: well, yeah.

Human: Repeat after me: "The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain."

Dante: The rain in Spain stays mainly on the edge of the fittest and such?

Human: Nearly! "The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain."

Dante: "The rain in Spain stays mainly on the wind, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.

Human: So you are literate. You're just raving mad. A Poe fan indeed.

Dante: Ok fuckface, clam up

Human: Fair enough.

Dante: fair maiden!

Human: Bipolar as well.

Dante: Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him well.

Human: I can't believe you can quote all these authors and not sing a damn musical. Come on, now.

Dante: There is plenty of truth to that statement.

Human: No, come on. The RAIN in SPAIN stays MAINly on the PLAIN.

Dante: "The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain."

Human: By Jove, I think he's got it!

Dante: beethoven is shit! music just waffles

Human: Or not.

Check out Erin's journal first for her very, very short and very, very perfect review of the Burton adaptation.

If you'd like to learn more, or just have an appetite for incoherently expressed anger and excessive profanity, by all means read on.

Okay, I did enjoy some parts of this movie. Burton continues to rock his gothic mis-en-scene to good effect. Sacha Baron Cohen was a bit of really inspired lunatic casting. Singing ability aside, Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter were great together and great with their characters. If they could sing, they'd have been perfect choices. Ditto Alan Rickman.

If they could sing. I basically could have forgiven this movie almost all of its sins if anyone in it could sing.

Burton, we all know you and Johnny Depp are BFF. Totally BFF. But one of the lessons in Directing 101 is "Your friend needs more qualifications for the part than being your friend".

This also relates to the very first lesson of Directing Musicals 101: "Musicals have music in them. Your cast should be able to sing the music that makes it a musical".

Johnny Depp would be great for his role, except that he cannot fucking sing. He sounds like he has something unpleasant and possibly alive caught in his throat.

Helena Bonham Carter would be great for her role, except that she cannot fucking sing. Her performance is basically a cracked, strangled series of failed high notes.

Alan Rickman would be great for his role, except that he cannot fucking sing. (He does manage the best of anyone despite this, since Judge Turpin has a very narrow range of notes.)

Congratulations on your wonderful cast that can't fucking sing!

Anthony Stewart Head, who has a gorgeous voice, has a one-line spoken cameo, and the best vocal performance comes from a small boy playing a role intended for an adult man. That's fantastic.

That is my main complaint and the one that really kills this movie. I am now going under a cut with my other various complaints, mostly pertaining to the theatre-to-film slaughter. Expecting one, maybe two people to bother reading it, either out of a similar film/theatre obsession or a similar terminal amount of free time.

( A funland of vitriol and spoilers! )

If you haven't seen the movie yet, please do yourself the favor of listening to a Broadway version at some point. The 2005 revival is a great one.