In Coffee Spoons

Strike that.

I am still tired as all hell.

Cymbalta does not seem to be working.

But it's hard to tell. If I try and pay attention, I get worried that I'm overanalyzing every emotion and blowing things out of proportion. If I don't pay attention, I get worried that I'm coasting on a placebo. I guess if I ever find a really perfect combination of meds, it'll prove itself by getting me to stop worrying about whether or not it works.

I'm not depressed. I'm not as tired, either. But the OCD is bad like it hasn't been in some time. Which is strange, because the Lamictal is supposed to be for the OCD and the Prozac for the depression. Can Cymbalta just completely cancel out the effects of another med? I hope not.

I'm supposed to see Dr. V. in...three weeks, I think. So I'll stick with it and see how I'm doing by then.

Blurgh.

Got my "why am I so freaking tired" lab tests back.

Dr. V: We test for leukemia, anemia. None of these.

Me: I am glad I do not have any emias.

Dr. V: No, no emias.

The thyroid test came back fine, because the last doctor I saw was an idiot. (Dr. V was out of town.) I mean, she saw me *once*, did *one* thyroid test, and just handed me a bottle of Synthroid? Um, no.

Why am I tired? Nobody knows! I'm not surprised. This is the third or fourth time in the past couple of years that I've gone to the doctor complaining of fatigue, and the third or fourth time that they've done a big workup of tests and not found anything and gone "huh".

Dr. V. thinks it might be a physical symptom of my depression, so he's switching me from Prozac to Cymbalta. Since I was concerned that the Prozac had stopped working, I'm definitely willing to give it a try.

If I'm not perky in four weeks, he wants to test me for Chronic Epstein-Barr.

Hey Ashley, would you like a bottle of Synthroid?

1. Explore my personal philosophy.

2. Learn more about philosophy.

3. Never stop learning.

4. Get my certification as a medical clerk.

5. Have an excellent semester.

6. Become a better writer.

7. Write every day.

8. Write ten poems.

9. Post 43 of my favourite poems.

10. Own a bookstore.

11. Read 100 books.

12. Read more classics.

13. Be more creative.

14. Learn how to draw.

15. Learn how to paint.

16. Make a collage.

17. Post 43 of my favourite works of art.

18. Learn more about art history.

19. Learn more about music.

20. Listen to more classical music.

21. Post 43 of my favourite song lyrics.

22. Make a short film.

23. Make an indie horror film.

24. Watch more art films.

25. Watch more foreign films.

26. Learn French.

27. Learn Welsh.

28. Learn Japanese.

29. Travel the world.

30. Become a fabulous cook.

31. Try new recipes.

32. Explore new flavours of tea.

33. Lose 55 pounds.

34. Eat healthier.

35. Eat more fruits and vegetables.

36. Exercise daily.

37. Do my yoga and meditation every day.

38. Stop pulling my hair.

39. Stop picking my skin.

40. Cleanse my face every morning and night.

41. Be unapologetically listy.

42. List 43 men I wouldn't kick outta bed.

43. List 43 women I wouldn't kick outta bed.

@ 43things.com

Hey, actual stuff is happening in my life. I think actual events in my life comprise about two percent of this journal.

I finally got a job doing one-hour photo at Rite Aid. I'm not getting much time in at all, but it took me so goddamn long just to get this. And as I understand it, Barack Obama is going to give us all a six-figure job and a tub of prescription medications upon inaugaration.

Things I have processed photos of:

* Newborn puppies
* Homely children
* Republican National Convention
* Dead deer
* My thumbs

I'm also back in school, or will be starting in January, for a two-semester CMC course. CMC stands for Certified Medical Clerk, but I plan to make up much more interesting answers for conversation. Medical Terminology class + Medical Ethics & Law class = Dr. Gregory House v2.0.

Last but not least, my goddamn meds quit working. Well, sort of. The beneficial effects stopped, and the side effects kicked in full force. Awesome. My GP offered to add Zyprexa to my meds, which would be combining an antidepressant, an anticonvulsant, and an antipsychotic. My GP is a GP for a reason. Time to find a psychiatrist.

Further bulletins as events warrant. (That is probably a well-intentioned lie.)

Spent nearly a solid week in human company *and* survived/enjoyed it? Damn, my medication really is working.

I saw Annie in person for the first time since I was a kid, and it was great.

Erin made a good point- "No wonder we were friends. We've got all the same neuroses. We grew up together thinking we were all normal."

I rode back to Mt. P. with Annie and her husband Ryan (who also seems pretty cool), and met Momo The Famous Internet Cat. He would not give me an autograph, but did leave a lot of cat hair on my shirt. I'm plucking them off to sell on eBay.

The plan was to spend a night at their place, have a pizza and watch some DVDs, play Cooking Mama. We got partway through that plan when an evil death sickness swooped down on Annie like a vulture. A really sick vulture. So I ended up at Taylor's a night early.

YES, I finally got to go see Taylor, and it only took us a COUPLE MOTHERFUCKING YEARS to get around to it. We suck.

It was so great to see him, though. So much catching up about weird shit and reminiscing about weird shit at Alma to do. So much talking, so much smoking, my poor throat.

It came up at least three or four times how much he's calmed the fuck down, and how he pretty much needed to, to still be alive now. No more eating glass.

It was also good to meet Kristin, and I definitely approve of her. Which is good, because otherwise we would have had to fight with knives. Even if I hadn't approved of her, she brought me pie, and that'll pretty much win my loyalty to anyone.

Watched a bunch of movies, of course. Deathwatch, Marebito, Save the Green Planet, I Stand Alone. Gaspar Noe is fucking brilliant, but I'm not sure I could ever subject myself to one of his masterpieces a second time. FeiFei undoubtedly could. Watched Santa's Slay, but I'm not going to talk about that movie. It has eaten too much of my precious lifetime already.

Taylor taught me the basics of speed chess aka blitz chess aka crazy person ADD chess (the last title being mine), and I was surprised to find myself really enjoying it. Patience and foresight are pretty much nonexistent in my personality, so I've never liked regular chess, but this was really different. Well, except in one respect.

Me: Neigh! Neigh!

Taylor: Why does this always happen? Why is everyone who's not into chess feel drawn right to the knights, every time?

Me: In a sea of strange and unfamiliar pieces, the pony is comfortingly recognizable.

Taylor: ...probably.

Me: Neeeeigh!

Ummm, what else. Sat in one of those all-night diners while Taylor listed famous philosophers and what they smelled like. Rubbed dongs and cried. Bunch of other stuff. Yeah. But that's what comes to mind right now.