In Coffee Spoons

* Health Software Systems

* Medical Transcription

* Keyboarding

* Moar English Comp.

Someone please explain to me why Keyboarding is not a prerequisite for the two above it.

"The thing about computers is they're really technical." --My Software Systems professor. Oh good lord.

In honor of Mother's Day: Memorable quotes/conversations with my mom.

~

Random quotes:

"Jesus wants us to love each other and help each other and not pay too much attention to the rest, because a lot of the Bible is just, y'know, stuff."

"Praise Jesus and pass the prozac."

"The only thing worse than clown sex would be mime sex."

"I'm not voting unless it's for 'neither of the above'. Or Gumby. Gumby is neither of the above."

"I just had an epiphany! Ooh, I just had another one! I'm either having epiphanies or small strokes. Either way, I'm seeing pretty flashes of light."

~

Mom: I'm glad I don't have eye stalks.

Me: What?

Mom: Well, just imagine if your eyes were on stalks like an alien, instead of in your head. I'd be very depressed.

~

Me: We can't have the cake with the wine. Wine doesn't compliment chocolate.

Mom: Yes, it does! *holds up cake and makes it talk in squeaky voice to wine* Hi there! You look great! You're so full-bodied! I love you!

~

Mom: I don't wanna go to work.

Me: Don't go to work.

Mom: They don't pay me unless I do.

Me: We will live on gumdrops and candy canes brought to us by the elves.

Mom: Okay, that's one plan. Does my eye look better? (Mom hurt her eye earlier and it turned all red and disgusting.)

Me: Nope.

Mom: Good. I'll act like it's a symptom of something even worse. I'll take some liver in my purse and pretend to throw it up at the meeting. Can you throw up your own liver?

Me: I don't know of any disease that causes both retinal bruising and vomiting internal organs.

Mom: Darn. Well, I do like gumdrops.

~

Me: This is stupid. I have to write a story where every sentence starts with the next letter of the alphabet.

Mom: Asshole. Bitch. Cunt. Damn. So on, so on. Zachary had Tourette's.

~

Me: Maybe Charlotte would stop whining if we got another cat.

Mom: What? A kitten?

Me: Yeah, a baby for her to play with. Keep her occupied.

Mom: It didn't work for you when I had Erin...

~

Erin: That guy had a cute butt.

Mom: That's not what you're supposed to be paying attention to! Baptists do not...they're not....Baptists don't have butts!

Me: Not your best save, mom.

Erin: Well, what do they sit on, then?

Mom: On Jesus.

~

Me: I read the other day that supposedly life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.

Mom: *looks around* PLBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBT!

~

Me: Man, I oughta clean this ashtray out one of these days.

Holly: Yeah, it's starting to need it. Some of these look old enough to be from our last party.

Me: Yeah, I think they are.

Erin: WHAT?

Me: Huh?

Erin: You haven't cleaned that ashtray out since NEW YEAR'S?

Me: Uh, no...

Erin: @!$#! I thought you were cleaning it regularly like a normal person! I thought that was like two weeks worth of butts and thought you were in total denial about being addicted! I was WORRIED about you!

Me: Oh! Oh no, no. That's four months worth right there.

Erin: @$#@!#@$@!%!@!%@#%!

Holly: Lulz.

"Eh."

Professor: So if an autotransfusion uses your own blood, then a homotransfusion would use...?"

Classmate: Blood from another species!

Rest of class: ...

Professor: Um. If we did that, which we never ever do, it would be called a xenotransfusion, which we would never ever do.

The best thing was how confidently that girl's hand shot up in the air. She knew she had this one.

Me: Zizzer zazzer zuzz.

Erin: Now you're just making noises!

Me: It's from Dr. Seuss.

Erin: Now you're just quoting noises!

"To allow ourselves to sink to less than what we are capable of becoming, physically or mentally, is a sin against ourselves. We don’t have to live up to anyone’s standards but our own, but to set our standards low is a sign of lack of self respect."

"What to do when you're hungry enough to eat a pregnant candy horse and then chew your way through its neck and chest cavity to reach the delectable fetal horsies inside its stomach (that are each about the size of your own stomach but also made of sugar and nougat and chocolate and skittles)..."

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 56.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next seven sentences in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST.

He lifted the host in consecration with an aching remembrance of the joy it once gave him; felt once again, as he did each morning, the pang of an unexpected glimpse from afar and unnoticed of a long-lost love.

He broke the Host above the chalice.

"Peace I leave you. My peace I give you..."

He tucked the Host inside his mouth and swallowed the papery taste of despair.

When the Mass was over, he polished the chalice and carefully placed it in his bag. He rushed for the seven-ten train to Washington, carrying pain in a black valise.

--The Exorcist, William Peter Blatty

(This book is seriously terrible. Go movie go.)

Guy on the bus: How long you been drivin' buses?

Driver: 30 percent of a century!

Guy: So...three years?

Driver: ...

(later on in the conversation)

Guy: So they closed cause they couldn't compete with Starbucks, and now all the damn Starbucks is closin'!

Driver: That's what we call "the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune".

Guy: Huh?

Driver: Shakespeare.

Guy: Oh, that guy! Yeah...*thoughtful* That guy got a good line or two, didn't he?

"I think the most romantic song in MT would have to be 'As Long as He Needs Me' from Oliver. It is simply splendiferous!! Whenever someone gives me those little butterflies in my stomach, I usually sing this song ..."
--Matthew Morrison

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

"He's the Rasputin of dogs."

Pat Buchanan, always very much a voice of reason, has weighed in on Obama's speech.

My favorite part:

"First, America has been the best country on earth for black folks. It was here that 600,000 black people, brought from Africa in slave ships, grew into a community of 40 million, were introduced to Christian salvation, and reached the greatest levels of freedom and prosperity blacks have ever known."

WAIT WHAT I'M SORRY WHAT?

Oh my God.

~
Aaaand Mom got in touch with me from work today to tell me that she slipped on the ice in the parking lot, and sprained her wrist, which is now in a brace identical to mine.

Come on, this is just getting ridiculous. I think that's the first time Mom and I were cracking up over a hurt family member.

So we're now one away from a fully matched/braced set. Watch out, Erin.

Clinton-campaigner Geraldine Ferraro:

"If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position...He happens to be very lucky to be who he is."

And immediately after, as sane people everywhere began to flail their arms and cry WTF:

"They're only attacking me because I am white."

"I will not be discriminated against because I’m white."

Oh my GOD.



(I got online intending to do a longer post about how awesome it was to see my friends and how my dad's doing and all, but oh my GOD.)

I *was* going to call this "A post that does NOT involve famous dead people", but nooo, Heath Ledger had to go and spoil that for me. It sucks that he's dead, not because I admired him terribly as an actor or anything, but because this has completely halted a Terry Gilliam film featuring Tom Waits.

Allow me to repeat that: A Terry Gilliam film featuring Tom Waits.

FUCK.

~

The Tiger Lillies:

“The criminal castrati and his accordion driven anarchic Brechtian street opera trio performing their unique mix of falsetto crooning, strange gypsy music, cabaret from hell and deranged black comedy all over the World.”

Heart. Heart. Heart. Heart. Heart.

~

Reading a lot. Reading a lot of Ruth Rendell/Barbara Vine. I don't understand it, but Ruth Rendell's novels under her own name are much better than the ones she's written as Barbara Vine. It's like her junk pile pseudonym.

~

Erin wrote a really amazing story and you should read it because I am extremely fucking proud of her.

~

My spam is now writing poetry of a sort.

It is lucky moment to be in an excess of joy
Just dont hesitate
And the glariest ladies can entertain you
When you see indecent show without paying any penny

~

The movie "Gamebox 1.0" cannot tell the difference between ninjas and zombies. Which is sad. Really, really sad. And dangerous.

~

Aaaand the big update- Dad slipped on the ice out at the lake, and fractured his knee. Whereas a normal, sane person would get himself to the truck and go to Urgent Care, my father chose to get himself to the truck, go home, change his clothes, have dinner, and go to Urgent Care.

This is ultra big news because if Dad has to have surgery (waiting for MRI results on this) or have a cast put on (ditto MRI results), he won't be able to go back to work for some time.

If Dad can't go back to work, he's pretty much made up his mind to retire now instead of at the end of the year, since this would allow him to collect both retirement and disability.

Erin: What are we going to do if Dad retires and he's home all the time?
Me: I...don't know.

Mom: What am I going to do if your father retires and he's home all the time?
Me: I...don't know.

What are we going to do if Dad retires and he's home all the time?

I don't know.

~

Last but not least, I love my mom.

It's early in the morning, Mom's getting ready for work, I'm in the kitchen having a cup of coffee and enjoying the quiet.

Mom comes in and pours herself a cup of coffee. And we both just stand there in the kitchen, drinking our coffee, nice and quiet.

Mom: *apropos of fucking nothing at all* Why pubic hair?

Me: *spitting coffee all over myself* What?!

Mom: Our our underarms, either. I mean, it doesn't make any sense. It seems very random where we ended up with hair and where we didn't.

Me: ...

And then this afternoon, we're doing laundry. Just down in the basement, sorting laundry, nice and quiet.

Mom: I'm glad I don't have eye stalks.

Me: What?

Mom: Well, just imagine if your eyes were on stalks like an alien, instead of in your head. I'd be very depressed.

Me: ...