In Coffee Spoons

GIMME THAT CHRISTIAN SIDE HUG

THAT CHRISTIAN SIDE HUG

Probably the only place to hear the line "I'm a rough rider/filled up with Christ's love" and definitely the only place to hear a rapper admonish you about being inappropriate.

You guys do realize that at this point you are parodying yourselves, right?

(via shoesonwrong)

dissolute19: *fixes you a gin & aspirin cocktail*
dissolute19: Oooh, I am naming my new cocktail the Blood Thinner Bullet Train.

[11:46] dissolute19: And he has a parakeet. That is fantastic.
[11:46] dissolute19: I don't know why a golem with a parakeet is utterly fantastic, but there you go.

[11:50] dissolute19: Hey, you're not technically Jewish either. You're ground.

[00:04] dissolute19: War gives you ouchies!
[00:05] dissolute19: (This kind of eloquence is why I never ran for political office.)

[22:00] Seiran79: I can tell you just got out of the theatre cause you spelled potato with an e.

seiran_o19o: I think every Craigslist ad title should end in "+herpes".

[17:32] dissolute19: Geeking because Disney's doing a steampunk dystopia game.
[17:32] dissolute19: I say as if there were a lot of steampunk utopias.

[14:19] Seiran79: I need to either double-dose my allergy medication or commit suicide.
[14:19] Seiran79: It's a serious toss-up at this point.

[14:26] Seiran79: The base components of real babies do not randomly rearrange themselves into abstract patterns.
[14:26] Seiran79: If they did, I would have one next to my lava lamp.

Uno

Dos

Tres

[01:19] Seiran79: THUMBS-UP
[01:19] Seiran79: NO ASTERISKS
[01:19] Seiran79: I AM STATING THUMBS-UP VERBALLY AS A FACT.

[21:05] Seiran79: Ashley, your kidneys work!

[00:20] Seiran79: Dude, you're so upset you just used the word arounded.

[20:49] Seiran79: If he spent a night with you without sex, he really likes you too.
[20:49] Seiran79: Either that or I have a very skewed and cycnical view of men.

[17:46] Seiran79: Because, in my experience, the best way to deal with deeply painful events is for other people to make fun of them on the internet.

[00:32] Seiran79: Everyone's job should have a bloopers reel.
[00:32] Seiran79: Not just actors and the LAPD.

[18:07] Seiran79: Hey what's that theme song that goes like DUN da duh DUH duh da dun DUN da duh DUH duh da dun oh yeah Torchwood. Thanks!

[23:09] dissolute19: Well. My motto is "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke." And, as always, it fails to apply here.
[23:09] dissolute19: But I stand by it.

[16:00] dissolute19: German either sounds hilarious or guh-sexy. There is no in between.
[16:02] dissolute19: (I'm classifying "scary-angry" under "guh-sexy", cause I have Issues.)

[14:00] dissolute19: I think it would be more like gargling mayonnaise.
[14:00] dissolute19: Not fresh mayonnaise.

[00:28] dissolute19: Well, if you're gonna screw up your knee, you do want a titty bar to be involved.

[00:16] dissolute19: I promise to be very appreciative if you ever flash me.
[00:16] dissolute19: Particularly given the effort involved with finding, traveling to, and breaking into my house.

[14:47] dissolute19: The whimpering at the end is particularly nice.
[14:47] dissolute19: These are the kind of sentences that are going to be used against me in court someday.

Assignment: Write about a memorable childhood event.

Here's my list of possible topics so far.

• The Great Potater Incident
  
  
• The Great Tomater Incident
  
  
• The Peanut Stuck Up My Nose
  
  
• The Day I Killed Tommy
  
  
• The Clown Who Molestered Me
  
  
• Too Many Hot Dogs
  
  
• When Momma Birthed the Halfbreed
  
  
• Daddy Became A Woman
  
  
• The Day We Shot JFK
  
  
• Taking The Entire Fist
  
  
• Killing My First Thai Hooker
  
  
• When the Dead Walked the Earth
  

Now accepting votes, alternate suggestions, and moral outrage.

Assignment: Write a letter to your instructor in which a friend or someone you know well introduces you. This sample will help us ensure that you have been placed properly in English.

( To Whom It May Concern, )

In honor of Mother's Day: Memorable quotes/conversations with my mom.

~

Random quotes:

"Jesus wants us to love each other and help each other and not pay too much attention to the rest, because a lot of the Bible is just, y'know, stuff."

"Praise Jesus and pass the prozac."

"The only thing worse than clown sex would be mime sex."

"I'm not voting unless it's for 'neither of the above'. Or Gumby. Gumby is neither of the above."

"I just had an epiphany! Ooh, I just had another one! I'm either having epiphanies or small strokes. Either way, I'm seeing pretty flashes of light."

~

Mom: I'm glad I don't have eye stalks.

Me: What?

Mom: Well, just imagine if your eyes were on stalks like an alien, instead of in your head. I'd be very depressed.

~

Me: We can't have the cake with the wine. Wine doesn't compliment chocolate.

Mom: Yes, it does! *holds up cake and makes it talk in squeaky voice to wine* Hi there! You look great! You're so full-bodied! I love you!

~

Mom: I don't wanna go to work.

Me: Don't go to work.

Mom: They don't pay me unless I do.

Me: We will live on gumdrops and candy canes brought to us by the elves.

Mom: Okay, that's one plan. Does my eye look better? (Mom hurt her eye earlier and it turned all red and disgusting.)

Me: Nope.

Mom: Good. I'll act like it's a symptom of something even worse. I'll take some liver in my purse and pretend to throw it up at the meeting. Can you throw up your own liver?

Me: I don't know of any disease that causes both retinal bruising and vomiting internal organs.

Mom: Darn. Well, I do like gumdrops.

~

Me: This is stupid. I have to write a story where every sentence starts with the next letter of the alphabet.

Mom: Asshole. Bitch. Cunt. Damn. So on, so on. Zachary had Tourette's.

~

Me: Maybe Charlotte would stop whining if we got another cat.

Mom: What? A kitten?

Me: Yeah, a baby for her to play with. Keep her occupied.

Mom: It didn't work for you when I had Erin...

~

Erin: That guy had a cute butt.

Mom: That's not what you're supposed to be paying attention to! Baptists do not...they're not....Baptists don't have butts!

Me: Not your best save, mom.

Erin: Well, what do they sit on, then?

Mom: On Jesus.

~

Me: I read the other day that supposedly life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.

Mom: *looks around* PLBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBT!

~

[00:04] Seiran79: Dude, my tits are VERY high-res.

[18:41] dissolute19: I love how you just take my gorgeous hair on faith.

[23:38] dissolute19: We are of one mind. One koala mind.

[16:28] dissolute19: Aw, I wouldn't bleed on them. They're pretty.

[16:20] dissolute19: Fun fact: Promises made with somebody's hand slowing down on your dick are 1000% less useful than promises made in ordinary circumstances.

[02:49] dissolute19: That is why you always try to drink enough on Saturday night to still be a *little* tipsy on Sunday morning. As a protective barrier against Ian McShane.

This video? Kairi's fault. Entirely. Kairi's. Fault.

Holly came over for a couple of days. It is really ridiculous how close we live to each other versus how often we see each other.

We drank a good amount of gin and a good amount of pomegranate vodka and did a couple cement mixers. This makes the second time I have voluntarily done a cement mixer, and I believe the third time for Holly. We are unique and stupid snowflakes.

We watched Repo! and Newsies. Holly hadn't seen Newsies before, but had the appropriate reaction: "My god, those two are totally in love with each other. How did Disney get away with this?"

Aaaand we had ourselves a little art project. We've both been mediating between friends lately, and dealing with passive-aggressive people. Thus did we hit on two important points:

1. One of the reasons we are friends is because we're both okay saying and/or hearing "You're being fucking ridiculous, and you need to cut this shit out."

2. If we ever do end up fighting, we need to be properly prepared to deal with it.

And that is how we ended up spending an afternoon making anger management sock puppets.





( crafternoon. )

And a good time was had by all. Except the puppets.

[02:36] palina27: would you call him a sociopath? i'm not sure...
[02:37] Seiran79: No, because he is a cat.

[02:45] palina27: i don't want to do heroin!
[02:46] Seiran79: Yeah, that wasn't my best advice ever.

[15:33] Seiran79: I can't paint by holding a brush in my teeth OR using my arm.
[15:33] palina27: yes you can.
[15:34] palina27: i saw you paint a door.

[22:16] literatehyaena: ...why are you scat singing?
[22:16] Seiran79: That is a rhetorical question even when it is not intended as one.

*folding laundry*

I'm thirsty.

*goes downstairs to get a pop*

*gets halfway to fridge*

Oh, I wonder if that other load of laundry is done.

*checks on dryer*

Did that movie finish on Tivo?

*checks Tivo*

*plays with cat*

*checks email*

*waters plant*

*goes back to folding laundry*

...I'm thirsty.

Me: Zizzer zazzer zuzz.

Erin: Now you're just making noises!

Me: It's from Dr. Seuss.

Erin: Now you're just quoting noises!

[01:26] Shinaichica: I'm freezing my ass off
[01:27] Seiran79: Shut the window.
[01:27] Shinaichica: It is shut. I even turned off the humidifier
[01:27] Seiran79: Turn off your...face.
[01:28] Shinaichica: YOU TURN OFF YOUR FACE
[01:29] Seiran79: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID
[01:29] Seiran79: WAIT
[01:29] Seiran79: NO

January: GJ went down in dramatic flames of flaming drama.

February: Please take care to label your mp3s correctly, and double-check that you haven't mixed up any titles.

March: I'm sorry, what?

April: Check out Erin's journal first for her very, very short and very, very perfect review of the Burton adaptation.

May: This is me *finally* updating about my move more than a week after it happens, go me.

June: Lettuce, tomato,
cucumbers and celery,
carrots and your mom.

July: So the plan *was* to watch La Orfanata, then go to bed.

August: I totally could not play that game at all.

September: I'm alive.

October: I spent the last couple of weeks doing five minutes of freewrite a day, a nonstop uncensored stream of anything that my mind tossed out.

November: I was really unsure of whether he'd get Michigan, so all of my voting friends rock.

December: Oh, what would I give to be wrong about human nature.



That is a lot less coherent than this meme usually turns up for me. Awesome.

Every day I fully intend to make a good long post about how I'm actually doing, and every day I end up doing shit like this instead:



See, if I'd been updating, that image would actually make sense.

Sort of.